Teardrop Prisms

The last several days have been quite the cocktail of difficulties, stresses, joys, sorrows, and everything in between. They contained such momentous things as discovering that we are having our second little boy, monotonous things as spending 17 hours in the car for a 4 day weekend, magical things as Christmas morning (a week early with family) through the eyes of our son, mournful things as the loss of my grandmother, maddening things as dealing with a toddler who ever-increasingly loves to throw fits, melancholy things as watching our little man have to fight off ear and bronchial infections at the same time, and mind-numbing things as self-doubt about parenting skills, family, success, and life in general. Oh, and did I mention I’m pregnant? I am so physically and emotionally drained as of late that I have been putting off writing in the hopes that circumstances would improve and I’d be more inclined to write something positive and fulfilling. But the truth of the matter is, it is not our circumstances that enable us to be positive people or obtain fulfillment. They are merely the scenery along the path we take to get there. Happiness is a choice we all must make daily, whether our circumstances aid us in the endeavor or not. I say this as much to myself as to anyone else who may be reading and need to hear it. I assure you, I have spent more time crying in the last few days than I have spent laughing and I have not even made much of an effort to the contrary. But it is this acknowledgement, this reminder, that puts my eyes back in focus, and helps me to remember that the tears are prism lenses which, when looked through, can make the world either distorted and ugly or vibrant and beautiful depending on our perspective.

Rather than feeling only the loss of my grandmother and the aching void my grandfather must feel after 60+ years together, I MUST remember the beauty of her life and the peace that is attained through her passing and the end of her pain. Rather than getting bogged down in every fit Aiden throws and sometimes behaving just as badly, I MUST remember that my son is TWO and this is normal and I am teaching him by my reactions how to handle frustration and anger. Rather than worrying incessantly about my little boy’s health, I MUST take advantage of a day at home with him that contains no prior agenda and just play away the pain. Rather than seeing the news about our new baby being a boy as a disappointment because, most likely, I will never have a daughter, I MUST remember all the glorious ways that I adore my son and how amazing it will be to experience that again. If I don’t opt for these brighter perspectives, I will wallow in self-pity and pain and fail to see the radiance of life. Tomorrow, I will wake up, I will adjust my focus through my teardrop prisms, see the wild array of colors all around me, and actively decide to be happy. Goodnight.

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4 thoughts on “Teardrop Prisms

  1. Good thoughts! I too will be facing my first Christmas without my Grandma, and I know it will be difficult. For my mom, especially, but for the rest of us as well. But we will be remembering the joyous moments we shared, and I will always be grateful that Naomi got to meet her Nana, even if she won’t remember it. I treasure those photos.

    I know you are rejoicing over the little boy on his way, but mourning the loss of the little girl that wasn’t to be. I read an excellent article on that recently, on a baby names website: http://namecandy.com/name-lady/2011/10/10/im-in-mourning-for-a-name I did just want to say, though, that I think it’s awesome Aiden will have a brother. I always wanted a sister and never had one, and though I’m close to my brother, I know it’s not the same kind of closeness I could experience with a sister. I hope this is encouraging for you! Blessings on you and your family, and I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

  2. Attitude is half the battle. If you let the world kick your ass then you will never be happy. If you fight back with a positive good attitude no matter how bad the circumstances you will always end up in a better frame of mind. Fact of the matter is that many things in life suck and just aren’t fair so like you said look for the vibrant colors, grasp the positives and try not to focus on the negatives. You will be a much happier person in the long run. Good article and Happy Holidays to you guys. Love, Doug

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